Tuesday 30 September 2014

Post India :)

It has been such a long time since i wrote anything! I miss writing! And i promised my friends that i would write a blog about my trip. So, we were in India 28/8 to 9/9 and it was a wholesome trip from Cochin to Chennai -Thirupathi and back to Cochin! The whole trip with my family was perfect. That is the only word apt for my description of the trip. The hotels and the travels was awesome. Now Cochin-Kerala...it was soo cool and it was the rainy season. We enjoyed it so much...It was fresh and clean... my kids did not fall sick getting wet in that rain. We felt so comfortable and at home. Not even once realising were probably a thousand miles from home.

 Allapula or Allepey is so beautiful. That in itself is an understatement. The backwaters of Kerala is heavenly. No wonder Kerala is called "God's Own Country". We spent one whole day in the beautiful boat house surrounded by nature. We ate fresh fish and crabs cooked to perfection by our own chef! Such comfort and relaxation. The thousands of boat houses we passed were all different and unique. The people on board were all so friendly and waving. Vinay Thaandi Varuvaya written all over Allepey.... The scene and the beauty :) Breath-taking!

 Next is Thekkady.  A beautiful hilltop area and it was filled with such lush greenery and i was completely immersed with nature. Bajji and hot chaya at a foggy hilltop station.... "heavenly". Spice gardens and tea gardens everywhere with beautiful and clean waterfalls. We walked the streets of Thekkady and took the elephant ride. Watched the Kathakali and Kalari martial arts form... Just spectacular. Then we left for Madurai. A city which looked as brutal and as busy as their spoken accent. Madurai was beautiful. Visited the Madurai Meenakshi Temple. I have never seen anything like it before. It was so huge...each "Gopuram" (monumental tower-entrance of a temple) outdid the other. Who created these beauty? Miracle. And such was the love of Meenakshi who stood there with such poise and beauty. Her "mookuthi"(nose ring) shone through our souls as the "aarathi" was shown. 

Then we left Madurai for Trichy. A state that i was familiar with. The streets of Trichy was so beautiful, highways and roadways were so clean. We visited Sri Rangam and Renganathar. Oh what beauty...each temple holds your heart captive. Each idol...showed themselves off in such pride. They were Majestic. Then it was Uchi Pillayar... beautiful Hilltop...Fort. Amazing view of the whole of Trichy!! And the wind was soo powerful. We also visited the Samayapuram Ambal...i saw her for the second time and she looks ever so beautiful. Amazing Darshan (sight/vision).

After Trichy...it was Chennai. This is where the true presence of God is felt :) I will tell you why. We were in Chennai on the 2/9 and were supposed to drive to Thirupathi on the 3/9 and visit the Lord first thing in the morning of 4/9.  We were tempted to stay longer in Chennai. We told our driver. Please tell the agency that we will prolong our stay at Chennai for one more night and so please inform the hotel. One extra day and so we were going to see Thirupathi on the 5/9. However, suddenly, our driver told us....no problem. You all stay an extra night here. But 4th we leave Chennai and go to Thirumala after checking out on the 4/9. We do the shaving of the head and see the Lord. There was chaos in our tempo. I was like...no i have been there, i know how it is. It will be packed. And then a sudden realisation, and there was complete silence in our tempo. I looked at my driver and said...ok "chalo". Lets just do it your way. I told my dad and mum, "acha, He wants to see us on the 4/9. There is no our way, IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN HIS WAY OR NO WAY. YOU DON'T PLAN. HE PLANS. That realisation itself made me think of His love. There must be a reason why He wants us to be there on the 4/9, a Thursday. 

And we stepped into the Thirumala Hills and i had goose bumps. Tears rolled. I felt the love. Our guide actually said, today, the crowd is going to be massive because the Lord's eyes which is usually closed with the large tilak like "V" was half open and he wouldn't have his usual gold and diamond ornaments on. He would just be bare with garlands and his "vesti". That in itself made me smile in acknowledgement of His blessings. We went with little distraction and we didn't have it difficult at all. We also had the blessing to stand in front of HIM for a good 20 seconds which in HIS language is looooonggg!!! I cried... Such is HIS love. Standing in front of HIM...i felt so small. What is my love compared to HIS? I saw him in awe... in tears...through my blurred vision...HE stood so clear and tall.  Then we came out and i held and traced the walls of my LORD with so much of love. We sat and i absorbed whatever love i could. And gave away everything i had. My kids walked the floors of HIS lotus feet... Yookthana slept in that crowd and when i placed her on the floor, to take blessings at HIS lotus feet, she slept as if she was on a bed of roses which made everyone look in amusement. They chanted "Govinda Govinda". Not only that HE even showed Himself in the little oorvalam that HE was going on. Now, a love so pure...My family and I, must be extremely blessed. 

The next day, we were scheduled for Thiruannamalai. Along the way, we were to stop at Vellore. I missed Lord Shiva. My husband and I loved the Kailasanathar temple in Kancheepuram. We asked our driver if we could pass Kancheepuram and he said it is out of the way. And with a heavy heart we said it's ok...you just follow your route. And again, he turned and said, you asked already, no problem. I will take you, of course there is a risk that the temple will be closed. I said, you drive, HE wants to see us. And our driver, who had been seeing all the miracles smiled knowingly. True to my words, the temple was open and we saw HIM again. I was so pleased and we prayed to our hearts content. The priest actually recognised me and said why don't you go through the passage (tunnel) and that made everyone eligible to do it which was otherwise closed. The priest told me, because of you, everyone is getting this blessings :) I was dumb founded. 

Then we went to Vellore Golden Temple and it was breath-taking at night. What a sight... Amazing. I felt happy for my parents. I was taking them to the most amazing temples and i was so happy! The next day was another miracle. It was Sani Pradosham and we were at Thiruannamalai!! The Lord is truly loving. And we were ushered to the "Moolastanam" or "Grapagraham"...the center where the main idol is!!!!! I am not saying that if you stand further you don't get HIS blessings...You get HIS blessings from wherever you are standing if you call HIM with pure love and devotion. But I'm saying i didn't pay to be in there as most foreigners do. HE sent someone and that man brought us in and he didn't ask money. I felt so loved and that gave me a compulsion to give him some 250rupees which is soooo less. People pay thousands of rupees!! Oh i love God. And my father and mother was so overwhelmed by the love :) They were speechless and my dad instantaneously knew that my Tampoi Muniswara was behind all the blessings that we got throughout the trip. 

Then it was Coimbatore and back to Cochin. We stayed at our "friend uncle's" in laws place and that was on Onam. And we had Kerala food and experienced Kerala that whole day. We left the next day, carrying all those blessings and breath-taking moments in our hearts. We started missing Kerala and India even before we left... That was just a summary of our time there. Words sometimes fail me when the only thing i can do is actually feel those moments. 

The first thing my dad said when he came back was, "tonight at dinner we plan our next trip to India... :) I'm going again."

Such was the love that we felt. All i can say is, God's love is out there for the taking. Love and love truly. Do not expect anything. Trust HIM. Believe HIM. And love HIS creation, love others and help others to love others. That is the true essence of life. It is very simple. Life is beautiful <3 God bless!

Birthdays...

Many asked me, why do i put my picture after each blog... Well, i have always loved to write.... It is my small time dream to write a book. I believe whatever we want, we must first start believing and then visualising it. After every book i read...i see the picture of the author and so i thought after every blog i write, i am also going to put a picture just because i want to visualize my small dream. God has His answer to that dream of mine. So... :)
I just celebrated my birthday 14 days ago... I had many people wish me and shower me with love and blessings... I would love to thank each and everyone for their love, blessings and wishes. Then, there were many who asked "Apparom, yenna special?"....(What is special today?).
Birthdays or any days in the Baskaran's household has always been one where we sit together as a family and celebrate the moment. It's very typical of my mother to bake her home made cake and present it to us because she knows we love her cakes as much as we love her. So, when i explain that my mum cooked and so we ate at home...and she made a cake for me... Many do not understand....I don't blame them. As opposed to going out for a lavish dinner and getting high tech and expensive gifts :) Not that it is wrong, it is just that We as a family have never believed in giving only on special occasions. I just view birthdays very differently...and in recent times...more so.
However, as i grew...each year, i saw a different me....or rather i was introduced to me...in a new way. I started seeing birthdays as the days where i look back to see what i have learnt all these years. At every point of my life...every year...i grew. I understood myself better. I understood the mechanics of life. I knew how i operated. I started observing how other people operated. There were things that i liked. There were some which were not appealing and then there were some which i completely never agreed with. I loved being myself and i realised i didn't like acting and neither did i like other's acting or being someone who they weren't for whatever reasons at all. An incident happened quite recently, and it made my dad very proud i know. He told us at breakfast, a very long and close friend came for Asweni's (my sister) reception at JB...Uncle Thambhu.... and he apparently told my dad, "Bas, your daughter...Shasthrika...she is amazing. Just the same from the last time...nothing has changed her, the way she is...the hyper energetic...always laughing...always ready and open to hug...no changes. Good la ahh..must be like that..."
I rest my case. Eventually, people will only love and respect you for being yourself and not when you are pretending to be someone you are not. People always know. This i always say to everyone out there too...you only get the right partner when you are yourself and you have an identity where people can identify with. Not when you act to be a person you aren't. Being yourself gets you the love of your life, the best friendships, jobs and also respect. Cheers to being unique and yourself. You are special... God made you...remember?
I understood that love, and only love is one of the many answers to all our problems in life. If we love what we did, we didn't have to have Monday blues....If we love ourselves we didn't need to work hard for other people to approve of us.... If we love the environment, it will never be polluted....If we love our neighbours and friends, we would never have misunderstandings and double standards....if we love our studies and school....excelling it wouldn't be a burden but a pleasure :) if we love God...we would end up loving everything that is around us and within us because you realise that everything and everyone is a manifestation of the Divine being Himself...
I believe in love, all kinds of love...and i realised it is harmless and it should be accepted as just that...and given no names and divisions. No gay love, no straight love...no colourful love, no right or wrong love.... There is just one love... L.O.V.E. And i also realised very early on...if you love someone, just throw away all your ego and then and there, pick up the phone...write an e-mail or whatsapp and say you love them. What have you got to lose? What is the worst that can happen? And if it cost you anything at all...it is for the other person to bear because they just lost a genuine love....I wish i could turn back time and tell my grandma and grandpa how much i love and miss them.
I cherish relationships...i respect friendship because i had seen the best kind of relationships formed at Kemaman and from my parents. Why Kemaman? That is the place where i grew up and started to understand things. They were the best friends to friends and they were the best family members to the family. I love and adore my friends. I also realised the value of being honest and not compromising values and beliefs for whatever reasons at all but yet respect and tolerate differences as that too came from the ultimate Himself. My kids, Akshayan and Yookthana who changed my life forever. Akshayan, he showed me how strong i really was. He made me respect other women and realise each and everyone of us are built for so much more. We are born to multi task. After Akshayan, no problem was big enough that i couldn't handle. I saw everything as a possibility. Every problem i knew since then was so small and had a solution. Akshayan, for that priceless gift of strength to overcome and struggle....i owe you and am blessed to have you. My first born :)
Then came Yookthana, to strengthen my believe in bonds and love...Looking at the war at Palestine, i wish they just knew what the value of life is and how beautiful life actually could be...All they need is love. All these war and the most recent MH17... such devastation. What are we paying for and what good is going to come out of all these suffering? I am waiting for my Kalki. It's about time that He came. Dharma is dying. There is just too much of hatred, murder, killings, robbery and the people are all selfish. However, in the midst of all these, it is only wise for all of us to pray and be thankful for the peace that we have, the beautiful people we are blessed with and cherish each day that we have to live because it is quite clear that we do not have any idea of what is to come even in the next minute.
So...till my next blog! Spread the love. Love is a gift, a simple smile is a gift...ask those who yearn for it...ask those who started their day with having to face someone moody. I thank my guard at Educity! He always smiles the brightest smile that makes me soo happy!! Tell all those friends and family how you feel, for tomorrow is just a shadow that may never be there if the sun decides not to show up :)
Adios :) Lotsa love <3
My deepest condolences to the families who have lost their loved ones at Palestine and those on board MH17. I am doing my part silently in ways that i know with whatever i have. So sorry.... really :(
To all my friends, near and far...my colleagues...cousins, uncles and aunties...students, sisters... I love all of you so very much. Even if you don't hear from me often... just know that you are all in my heart.
P/S: Thanks to all who have wished me for my birthday via sms and calls. Thanks to all who have wished me through FB. Love you all. Appreciate all your blessings. xoxo

My Acha... My Strength...

I'm still very tired after my sister's wedding...The panda eyes aren't going away... I was supposed to write a blog about my dad...my acha for father's day and i just had no time. I have so many things to do....Thank God for that. The wedding went well....in case you are wondering... just very exhausted! Never do the actual ritual ceremony in the morning and then the wedding dinner reception at night.... soo tiring! Oh well...it was a joyous occasion and a coming together of two families.

That morning, all the people who attended the wedding... I saw them in a different light. People from as far as Penang and Kemaman.... Took all the trouble to be there on a Sunday. It really meant a lot to us as a family. Considering that some gave plenty of reasons to show inconvenience and hence the probability of them not showing up. Oh whatever.... really. I feel a need ...a special need to thank all those who were there... You know who you are :) And i know all of you came because you respected and loved your friend...your brother.... My dad.... My Acha... Baskaran....

My acha.......hmmm....where do i start? I really have no idea... Acha, is the person whom i owe everything i have and everything i am to....LITERALLY... It is because of him and his teachings that we are the way we are today. If anyone says anything nice about us sisters and about us as a family, it is because of him. As a child, i remember how Acha used to tell us stories of his childhood and how he studied despite of his family situation. I remember how Acha used to tell us that he used to carry his shoes in a plastic bag and walk across the paddy fields just to get to school. Then he would wash his legs and dry them and wear his school shoes and go to class. We or at least i used to think back then that it's the same story every parents tell their kids so that they study hard and don't play around too much.

As i got older...as i grew, i realised i had taken each and every story of his to heart. I respected where he came from, i admired his perseverance, i looked up to his achievements and i felt so proud of his humble beginnings and a need to share his stories till date. A small boy from Kelantan, a smart boy who loved to read and learn. How he went to live in Kota Bharu town with his principal's family because they thought he had so much of potential. How he finished his form 6 and how his brother helped him to fill his University entrance forms and how he got into second year direct in University Malaya. Oh how i love your success story Acha. Until 5 days back when i saw your resume... I thought i was looking at a thesis!! My goodness....I have more stories to tell.

I grew up hearing all that, but i never felt the pressure to fill those shoes. From a very young age you gave us so much freedom to be ourselves. You got a job real quick and from then on...it has only been uphill for you. I took a lot from you as a student. Although my studying style was different when compared. You're an early bird....whereas i'm a nocturnal. You knew that and although amma would shout as to why i wasn't studying, you would support me and say i will study when everyone has slept. You had such deep understanding of us..your kids. You gave us everything...fed us everything.... Your random treats and shopping spree... You never thought us how to splurge but you thought us how to enjoy the little things in life. You also thought us how to save money...20% of any amount of money we receive will go to you. How angry we got sometimes...but when i got married and you gave me the bank book... it looked so brown but i knew it was the 20% you took from us.

Acha, you always say you are not perfect...there are so many things you need to learn....Let me tell you, i don't know anything or anyone as perfect as you. You have shared so many things with me privately...and it shows how very much you think of me....I remember during some teenage problems i had... (I wasn't very easy to handle...sorry), amma told me... "if my husband gets a heart attack, it will be because of you". I know she didn't mean it...she is always emotional when it comes to you.... but i knew something very deep then, that i affected you so much. But how calmly you handled me...my problems....my insecurities. I just love you acha...When i left UTM...such a blow for you and everyone... but you allowed me to... you told me, if your heart isn't there then there is no use of you wasting time. When i had relationship issues, you weren't harsh...you were as gentle as a feather because i remember you told me...i'm fragile ...and that i will grow out of it and i will understand soon....

Then and there acha... I knew, my mission in life was to make you proud. Thanks to amma, who registered me in MSU to do TESL...her forward thinking... (Let me credit her for that here in public....haha) I only wanted to make you proud. I am glad...i did....I am glad with every Dean's list and President's List.... With the first Class degree... when i got pregnant immediately after marriage... I made a promise to myself...however hard it was going to be...i would finish this degree on time. I personally requested for a C-section so that i can be on time for my final...final exams. I did it because i didn't want you to again be let down. I am so proud i did it and graduated on time...despite the fact that i had a child. But then again...you believed in me. You never questioned me... that's the beauty of you Acha... Not many are lucky to have such a friendly...loving father.

Then i became a lecturer....i did so many things in such a short time... Then i wanted to make you more proud...I got myself into UM and till date my Masters is in first class CGPA....i somehow feel the need to redeem myself...not for me Acha...but for you. Only you. I will finish it....I will... soon. Then i made you a grandfather for the second time again...haha. I know how much you adore my kids....i can only imagine how very lucky they are to have such a sentimental and loving grandfather. We as a family are blessed to have you Acha. You have so much going for you...you have so much to scream about...yet you are so silent...so humble and so down to earth. You are so real. So philosophical. I am truly blessed to have you and amma as my parents. I remember i told this once...if the world population increased and it came to a point that a family should sacrifice one member...i would gladly be it... Why? Simply because by being under your shadows, by being your daughter i have achieved my enlightenment and the world simply needs good people like both of you. You regarded that as bullshit and nonsense. We laughed it off then... But those words were from the bottom of my heart.

I keep saying this...you made me a better person by simply living the values and not just saying them. The prove....the attendance for Asweni's and my wedding. Everyone who came...came for you and amma. You have so many people who adore you. I adore your friendship and your relationship. Acha, would you have ever spoken about a soul badly? Noo. You are always so forgiving. You have so much of love...so much of acceptance. You give respect to anyone and everyone...regardless of age and status. I just love the way you are. You are the embodiment of everything a self help book preaches. You are a manifestation of the supreme being Himself. You have had your fair share of ups and downs. But it never deterred you or put you down. You still trusted and believed and God made you very comfortable...always. You are God's secret child. I remember how we saw people who hurt you and some big positioned people in a company hurt you and eventually bankrupt...how to explain la Acha....It's because people who hurt good people always end up in a bad shape. Simple. You're a good man... a good human. I believe in God because i have seen God's magic through you.

I can't say enough. There isn't enough space and enough time to ever write everything about you. You are always growing...you are always learning, you are always loving and understanding. I don't need to ask you to stay the same. I know you will always stay the same...because you don't know how to show off...you don't know how to hurt others and you don't know how to pretend. You are you...you are real. I love you for that. I look up to you each and every day. I pray everyone has a father like you. I thank God for such wonderful parents. I thank God for you Acha. I do. You understand my face, my reactions....you know when i am fine...when i am not....you are my hero...my everything.....I am not only lucky but i am blessed....to have been able to share the same space and time...not as a father but as human...sharing the same time zone...As a daughter...needless to say... I know God loves me because he sent me to you... Simple.

I would like to thank a few people here....who mean a lot to my dad...

The whole Kemaman gang.... Tioxide gang... ...Amma's side cousins...from Ipoh..from KL....Acha's Chechi's and her sisters and their family...Amma and Acha's siblings....Each and everyone who works with acha and still remembers him...his words and his work....If i don't mention all names i am sorry....but i just wanted all of you to know how much all of you mean to my dad...He is a very emotional man... he was so happy to see all of you at the wedding as well...it means a lot to him...and when it does mean a lot to him...it means the world to me. We appreciate it.

I love you Acha...always and forever. You know your girls adore you... Always and forever. You know amma can scream at the top of her lungs and we will still eat ice cream... but if you go as far as even looking at us intensely for a few seconds...we cry... That is the command you have on us Acha... I hope i make you proud...I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt i have caused before...Thank you for allowing me to make them...Thank you for holding my hands afterwards and saying it's ok. You are my angel and my guide. I love you....

Your molea....your daughter.... Ash, Khesh and Sandhu jangan jealous.... He loves me more....Muahahahaha!!!! Nolah... just kiding.....


Asweni Baskaran, My sister

I was thinking of what to write this time and i just thought that i would dedicate this blog to my sister. Asweni, hmmmm what can i say. I do not remember much about you from childhood, i was a child too remember. I do remember you having extremely curly hair and being really chubby. I never thought of you of a competition or that you were getting more attention than me because our parents were wonderful at that but i do know that i was hyper and you were less hyper than me. I know we had many pictures of you from childhood and they were mostly with you looking funny. We always had a good laugh looking at it. But most of your pictures were always pretty.

Fast forward to many years down the road and i remember us fighting most of the time, over what i hardly remember but i know they were trivial matters and that that was pretty much a common scene in many household. I do remember how much of beating i used to get because of you. I used to hate you for that. Coming to think of all that now, it's just so funny. Schooling days, i was too busy and you were too. I can't say i was looking out for you all the time and i can't say that i was a trophy sister. However, i am your sister. I have always been proud of your achievements. I was almost constantly amazed at how distinctly different you were as compared to me. I was ultra modern and you wouldn't even wear sleeveless. Haha. The way you would hit the table and go one round in laughter...always cracked me . 

You were more feminine and more soft spoken but never to be mistaken as a weak person. You are so strong, i can only wonder how you managed single handed-ly whenever your car broke down, when someone broke your window and whenever you went to the mechanic alone. You had your own ideas and thoughts, you had your own way of handling things (crying mostly)...Haha...and you were so stubborn. It was either your way or no way. You were a perfectionist and a rule follower. I was one to break the rules. I was the emotional one. I cry too only if i'm sad. But never when i'm angry. I let it out...I fight. You were more quiet in that sense. You spoke when you needed to make a point. It was always easier for you to earn a good name from others. You are such a sensible young woman and you are such an amazing friend. You are the kind of friend that parents would want their kids to have.

We entered college together and what a blessing it was to have you by my side. During this time i did look out for you a lot. I never approved of all of your decisions, but i allowed you to make them anyways. That was the only way you would learn. In life, my road has always been bumpy and filled with pot holes. I have never regretted all those experiences because it definitely validated my "driver's license". I was a better and wiser driver. I'm glad your road was almost like a highway. I thank God for all those experiences because you could see me go through it and learn. I wouldn't want anyone go through what i have gone through...let alone my own sisters. All of you are too precious. I was so happy you graduated earlier and went on to do Masters earlier. It never bothered me. I was always so proud of you... Congrats on your published paper as well. I was beaming with pride. All of us were...in our own way :)

I have also been gifted to have you stay together with me even after marriage. How many people have that opportunity? Not many. Thanks to my very accommodating husband. You have been there at important phases of my life. You have helped me a lot....during pregnancy. Took me for check ups. I loved having you around. Thank God i no longer am in Shah Alam. Imagine the torture of having to see you pack and leave.  It was you who drove me home after both my deliveries. You brought both your nephew and niece home. You loved both my kids like yours. What wonderful bond you have with them. Such an amazing "cheriamma" you are. I sincerely wish that i get to be there for you at important times in your life too. Can't wait to see have kids of your own.

Your big day is approaching and i cannot tell you how very happy i am for you. You will make a very beautiful bride. You have found someone who loves you immensely and i am glad for you. You are marrying into a wonderful family and they are indeed very lucky to have you. You have always been the pride of our family. We love you a lot. Words fail me sometimes. I am getting chocked up. I'm sorry i will be missing two "nallangus". It's work and i'm sure you understand how it is...right "strict officer?" Whatever said and done, i may not always be there physically, but i am always there with you through prayers and thoughts. I pray for your happiness in this beautiful journey together with Devin. I can't wait to be there and participate....

Asweni, let me tell you one thing, marriage may change your house address and your status, but it will never change our bond and love. I will always be your sister....your chechi. And i will always look out for you. I love you. We love you. Here's to a new beginning and a new chapter in your life. Cheers!!

Love, Chechi <3

P/S: Kheeshaa and Sandhiya...i will dedicate a blog to the both of you too....in time. Khesh your's will be expensive and Sandhu, your's....emotional....LOL. I'm sure you know what i mean. Haha

Miracles

My previous blog was for teacher's day. That was so long ago. I initially thought that i would be blogging everyday. It's more of a dream now since i don't get that much of time for myself let alone use it to blog. I can now relate to how everyone says they hardly have the time to do anything at all. It must have been that long ago since i actually watched a movie in the cinema. I used to at least go to temple whenever i have the chance but now, that is also so difficult. However, that is something i am not worried about because i couldn't bring myself to God so i brought God to where i was. I gave Him a place at my desk where He sits very comfortably looking at me. I have gotten to a point where i no longer need to seek...I just have to merely think and He shows me signs that He is there...and He knows.

For example, two days ago, i got into my acha's car and was driving to work. I love my drives to work because it's my space and time. I love to listen to songs and just sometimes travel silently. However, since it was acha's car, i had no idea what he was listening to everyday or which channel his radio was tuned to. As i was on the way to work, the thought of Lord Thirupathi and Lord Shiva crossed me. And i was so overwhelmed to think of how blessed i actually was to have everything go well and just the way i wanted it too. I was smiling to myself feeling content and blessed. After feeling grateful and blessed, i turned the radio on and what played was this sacred chant of "kurai ondrum illai, malai muga kanna....govinda govinda govinda" something like that. As i said the words "govinda govinda govinda"...i actually chocked as my eyes swelled with tears. How could this be? How much of love does He have for me? I just have to think and He comes to me...I was in tears and i was speechless....

I don't know how and when i established this relationship with God, but i got to an understanding that i have passed the stage where i had to reach and call out hard enough...That new understanding of that love and relationship i have with Him made me realise how very lucky i am. Every single time i thank God and feel grateful to Him, i know i am there...getting closer to Him. The very essence of life is to understand that there is no you, there is just Him making it all happen through you and everyone else. I see His beautiful manifestations in everything. Sometimes, i feel i am mad. Like the other day, i felt that my office room was dirty. I didn't know whether this new building had already assigned contract workers to clean staff's room. And i hear a knock on my door. I open and this Malay kakak was smiling at me and she said, "nak bersihkan bilik, ada sampah tak?" I must have looked at her with my jaw down that she smiled and said, "lain kali kotor panggil saje kakak, kakak datang bersihkan". I looked at her....i saw God in her. I smiled and said "terima kasih kak". 

Someone blessed me recently, saying "after knowing me my dear Shas, you would realise that your problems will slowly reduce and you will feel much more peaceful. I have that ability to absorb people's sadness and pain." A well wisher and a friend. I never took it seriously but now i know and for sure..what he said was true enough. Thank you. I also see him as a manifestation...God must have sent me His angel to look after me. This feeling, is something that i can't explain. There are no words for me to explain it. But it is a feeling, a relationship that i want everyone to establish with God. Nothing beats it. Lovers will think being in love is the best feeling, mothers will feel being a mother is the best feeling in the whole world but this feeling beats it all flat. This is a one of a kind feeling. A sense of comfort, a certain closeness to an entity which can't be named but only praised. I feel a compulsion to spread His kindness and love. 

The only criteria to get close to Him is love Him and trust Him. Believe and have faith in Him and in His decisions. Always know that it was never You...it was and will always be Him. Because He wanted it that way and not you. If you can do that, then you are there. You can't just say i believe in God but then always go to Him and question Him. "Why am i going through this? What did i do to deserve this?" Isn't that doubt? Aren't you doubting Him? I have been trying to explain this to my cousin and to my friends. I think they are seeing much difference in their lives by just believing and accepting His decisions. I am truly happy for them. 

I just want to do it right. I want to share and let everyone see the magic. No amount of money or success would account for it. I am happy where i am. However, i am made for more. I have always pushed my boundaries and i will. With His blessings. I will. I also can't hide the fact that my heart is constantly going back and forth to India. To the land of the Gods. August can't come soon enough :)

P/S: Lord Shiva, You know i love You and You know after Lord Thirupathi's song it was Your song which came right up and i know You were jealous and You are extremely possessive of me but i have never put one above the other. I love You too...so much!! Shambhunath!!

Thank you Teachers :)

In conjunction to Teacher's Day, i wanted to write something but again...It took me sometime to actually go back through time and look at all those people who have made me who i am today. I couldn't just place a name or two. However, i must start somewhere. I would like to wish a very belated Teacher's Day to all my primary, secondary and college teachers/lecturers. Without all of you who have lifted me up and passed down all your knowledge and wisdom,i wouldn't be where i am today so i thank you from the bottom of my heart.
All the teachers from SR Sultan Ismail, SM Sultan Ismail 2, SMK Tg Panglima Perang Tg Muhammad...I enjoyed school life so much that i learned very quickly, it was going to be the most carefree times of my life. You made me strong, you made me realise how important education was. I stayed back and thought what a fabulous way to spend time studying and "lepaking" :) Thank God for the no "gadget" era...Thank God i was able to experience it and thank you teachers for making my school life so colourful. Thanks to Karla, Faten and Simren...i learnt about friendship because of the three of you. 23 years and going... I learnt that race and religion has got nothing to do with friendship because of you girls <3

Thanks Halimaton Saadiah for giving me tough competition for the numero uno position! Not only were we the top students but we always taught each other. What a combo. You taught me that you can still be the best by teaching and helping others. Thank you Ho Chi Mei and Vimala for all the times :) Thank you Shangkersegar (husband) for teaching me at that time itself what it meant to be in a relationship. I was just 14 and you 17. You introduced the subject of love to a girl from Kemaman who didn't know this thing existed. Unconditional love which i am very lucky to have gotten back after 9 years of no contact. You went on to becoming one of the great teachers for life lessons. Thank you.

I went to UTM for a while. I'd like to thank my course mates back then for showing me reality...although it suck big time, it made me grow. I'm a better person because of all that. Thank you Sharmila Devi (Shemmi), bestie for teaching me what it meant by "sticking through thick and thin". Thank you seniors, faculty seniors, college seniors, hometown seniors...never knew there were these many segregation. Thanks for all the lessons on life. Thanks to some very wonderful people whom i have met there...who have been there at some point of my life ...you have taught me that there is always a little hope even at the lowest moments of your life. Can't name all but Punitha, Visu, Vino, Vanathi, Sai, Venesa, Shasheela akka, Ghans, Anne, Theva, Dash akka, Doreen akka, Arvin, Ainesh, Nara, Faizal, Vig, Aruneswaran, Prithee, Mano...thank you for all the times :) Thank you for embracing me and accepting me at times when i never thought much of myself. You taught me how to be a good friend, how to embrace and accept others. Thank you UTM for teaching me what life is and how tough it is... Thank you for throwing me into tough moments and also teaching me how to become tougher in the process.

Then the best part of my life... MSU!! Thank you to all my lecturers in the English department...ALL OF YOU made me who i am today...literally! Thank you Prof Jay for teaching me feminism along with sociology,  thank you Ms Yas for teaching me that you can always be cute and also strict with students, Thank you Mdm Nirmala for teaching me that being an expert at the subject matter is important, Thank you Mdm Malar Selvi for being my amma...for all the times you accepted our gang's flaws and loved us anyway, Thank you Dr PK for teaching me speed in delivery of subject matter is important...hahaha....Thank you Mdm Jasmina for teaching me Structure of English....and simplicity, Thank you Mdm Saadiah, Mr Armaan, Thank you Ms Sugantini for making me learn and love theater, Thank you Ms Roges for making me realise the perks of becoming a young lecturer, Thank you Ms Shima for teaching me how to appreciate literature and also how to give credit wherever and whenever its due, you're beautiful!! Thank you Ms Gayatri for being the best supervisor a student can get....Thanks Mdm Shabina and Mdm Izlin...i got to know all of you late but thank you nonetheless. Thank you Reanuga, Redza, Aman, Naiza, Sam, Along, Nik, Irfan, Lyne, Grace, Sab, Megha, Angel, Sashi, Vinod, Nawa, All my TESL coursemates who brought a whole new meaning to the word "chechi"...Thank you for the love and support during my pregnancy...All your love has made me pass it on...The biggest gift to me is all of you...Thank you MSU for giving me all that! <3

Next...SEGi...where i worked...I learnt what to be and what not to be from my ex boss...Thanks V for teaching me how not to be... both as a person and as a boss. Never met someone so low and cheap like you. Thank you for the lessons. Grace Antony, i owe you everything. I got a job in SEGi because of you...because you told that you have a friend better than yourself looking for a job... Such a selfless act, i have never ever witnessed. And for that, you became a huge teacher to me of what best friends are like...how friends are supposed to be :) Thank you Gowri...The most honest and sincere friend...Ms Mohgana, the epitome of organization...In, Natrah, Bawani, Ms Dorville, Vijay, Puteri, Vedha, Kehma, Aun Joo, Grace.....Thank you for teaching me the value of colleagues. To all my beautiful and amazing students, Thank you for teaching me self discovery...i learnt a lot from each batch and i love all of you immensely. I knew i was born to do this. Thank you SEGi.

To all my Kemaman uncles and aunties... Uncle Bani, Uncle Rama K, Uncle Nadaraja, Uncle Ramesh, Uncle Sathiya....Uncle Achu...Aunty Sumathi, Kalies and Kanages and all the family members...your wives (my ammas) and kids....Thank you for teaching me that family isn't always blood related... True friendship...a bond as strong as family is possible... I have experienced it first hand and i'm glad i have learnt all those values...I Have Learnt... Thank you. Thank you Dhina, Siva, Hari, Rajesh,  Thank you Priya ma, Thank you Vinotha, Thank you Ganesha, Thank you Mags, Thanks Firah, Thank you Kevin, Thank you Isai, Thank you Dr Tam, Dr. Sri, and Zye, ...All my tuition students and their family!! Thank you all for being my extended family members.

Mom and Dad, my Oxford, my Webster, my Google...my source of knowledge...my teachers from day one...Thank you!! My sisters...thank you for teaching me so many things and that difference among siblings can't keep us apart. Thank you Akshayan, my son, Yookthana and Jaasritha, my daughters for teaching me that i can do all these and more...Thank you for showing me how strong women are. Thank you Yookthana for teaching me that woman are born multi taskers and that we are so great we don't even know it. Thank you to all the wonderful teachers around me...always teaching me something. Thank you God for giving me the wisdom and ability to look at everything positively and to look at every situation and every person that crosses our path as teachers....

Thank you to everyone who has crossed my path and taught me a valuable lesson which has enriched my life. I will carry all of you in my heart forever!

Maatha (Mum), Pitha (Dad), Guru (Teacher), Deivam (God)...We have always placed teachers above God and hence, i take this as a chance to appreciate all of you <3

Thank you teachers :)

My Mother :) Mother's day special!!

Sometimes, the simplest topics are the ones that puts us on the spot...and we really don't know what to say. Like how i am now, "the little Anjali from Kuch Kuch Hota Hai who is given the topic MA to speak about".... I can just tap a key and erase, tap a key and erase...I wish Shah Rukh comes to my rescue...Mother, ma, amma...mummy, mom...emak...mama...Call her whatever you want, but she is who she is... a super woman.

Many things i am today, i owe it to my mum...as much as i would like to say no...i am nothing like her, but i am so much like her in many ways and i am only grateful that i am is because she is such a great person and to be just 25% like her would mean i am there...i have achieved. The embodiment of love, the epitome of kind and forgiving... I have learnt so much of what to be and what not to be.. 

Amma,

I knew from a very young age you were kind, you were too good because you were always accepting people to our house, allowing them into our homes...taking care of them, cooking and treating them as our family..I can still picture all of them in our house. I took after you, i must have, since i could look after all acha's colleagues kids at that very young age when all of you went out for company dinner. I realised then how to treat everyone, regardless whether we were bound by blood or not, as family.

I remember how all our family members would come to our house for holidays and you would cook and entertain tirelessly. Also sometimes subject to scrutiny and no proper appreciation given because you were supposed to be able to do all that because you were not working, a stay at home mother. I remember how furious i was at that and i screamed... I learnt then that not all people are nice...Not all relatives were true. I learnt and understood how people acted in front of one another. I realised then that adults are not always right.

You kept on doing good regardless. I saw how you helped people by giving them monetary help without questioning motives. I remember how their own relatives didn't help but you came out to help upon hearing their plea. I remember how you and acha suffered the consequences of those help you offered. None you benefited from. You made me understand that benefits from helping others can't be measured by numbers or money... But what is important is, despite all that...you never stopped giving. You never stopped helping. Till date! And looking at where we are, where God is keeping you and acha... I learnt that God only sees the good that you do. I believed in God more and more because you were living prove that God existed.

I learnt how to clean the house, to make it look spotless...how to wash clothes in the morning, dry it and pick it up again around 2pm when it was scorching hot so the clothes would be hot and crisp...I learnt how to clean the bathroom like a bathroom cleaner. How to be extra clean in whatever i do. I complain again and again for having to do the chores...but i realise when you leave me at home...that is exactly how i do things. I learnt what being a friend meant...what being family meant. I learnt how to be honest...because that's what you are. You are so honest in whatever you do...to people around you. However that may backfire, you come out fine. I became one too amma. I did. I am so brutally honest but i am glad. I am glad because i have earned friends for life being that way. I have learnt how to help others and be happy for others even if it isn't about us. I learnt how to be selfless...

So many things amma...so many things that Google will probably run out of space if i ever had to write about you...hahaha. Is that even possible? But yeah...in the long run...i took in all that you were and came up with my own values. I remember how you used to say, i won't depend on all of you when i am old...i will have my husband...but here you are, taking care of my two kids. I still need you. I remember how you took care of me post operation and during confinement. I know how proud of all four of us you are. I know how much love you have for everyone in Kemaman, Kuantan, Ipoh, Johor...wherever...whoever.... I know how genuinely concern you are of everyone who crossed your path. Believe me, to constantly think and pray for the well being of each and everyone...is so difficult. Especially if they have done not very nice things...but you still wish them well. You are so easily hurt yet you still never cease to love.... That's where i differ amma... I guess i love everyone too...i can... until and only until they do not hurt me. If they do, i rather not associate myself with them. I move on. They don't deserve me if they do not know how to value me.

We have had this argument many times i remember... and i would always say...I'm not Mahatma...you can be if you want. That is who you really are amma...A divine being...a good mother, a good daughter, a good sister, a good aunty, a good friend, a good daughter in law...a good sister in law...YOU ARE JUST GOOD. I thank God everyday for you and acha too. I pray for the both of you every single day. I always say, i must have done something good for God to have given the both of you as my parents....You accepted my friends as your own children...Not only my friends but even all your children's friends... I remember how you could entertain them, accommodate them... Amazing. You make people feel right at home. You don't judge people. 

Sometimes i feel you're just a child inside...i am more aware of the world and how selfish people really are these days, I thank God sometimes that you are a stay at home mother. You know why amma... you will come home crying everyday if you see what is happening out there amma. People lack love these days... It's a sad sight...I think you're better of at home. Pure and untainted :) That's the way i would like to see you. To see and face the world today...you need to be upgraded with all the good, the love, the forgiving attitude but at the same time...you need some extra features like "I don't care attitude, so what attitude and i couldn't be bothered attitude"... kind of means the same but yeah. basically you have to be strong to accept that some people are just like that these days and you can't expect all of them to be nice just because you are.

However, you would be very happy to know that i do spread the love around amma. I do have wonderful friends who i keep close to my heart and would sacrifice all my time to just be there for them. I have so many wonderful students who i have told so many stories with values i have learnt from our own experiences... I am doing good amma. I just wanted to say...i wish i am the kind to say it often enough...but i really love you amma. I look like i can't get along with you and your ideas...but actually i just love you. You're my amma...i have only you. So what if i fight or argue right....there isn't anyone else to do so with right....So, yeah...thank you very much for everything...It's never going to be enough...neither am i going to be able to repay you....so....thank you will suffice for now :) I believe your goodness is contagious....eventually, whoever crosses your path will have no choice but to succumb and give in to goodness as well...Such is your divinity..... Your husband, your daughters, your son in laws and your grandchildren are so so proud of you and so lucky to have you by our side. Our guardian angel <3

The most beautiful person...the most loving lady....that is all you...my AMMA :)


Surviving the third week :)

New place and successful completion of the third week :) I'm pleased...very pleased. To think that the college is pretty much at its infancy stage...and i get to initiate a few new ideas and start a few new projects makes me very happy!! It's a good feeling... However, Maritime is pretty new to me, and i'm so excited to learn new things from the Subject Matter Experts... "port side, starboard, par-buckling, ship grounding"....
These were alien to me...Well, now i know though :) I'm always open to new things...and learning can never stop...However, i have always been one to ask if i didn't know and i'm not ashamed by it. So what if you don't know...no one knows everything of everything...NO ONE! 

Unfortunately, students these days are born with the innate characteristics of not asking and that saddens me. If you don't ask how will you know? You need to know to answer questions. I told my students, you better ask if you don't know or i will ask you and if you don't have the answer to it..I am sending you out of class :) Of course i say it "soo nicely" that the students are very aware of the sarcastic tone. And then you are flooded with so many questions.... FINALLY.

Passionate teachers are not tired of answering questions, great teachers are those who are not tired and also teach the students the art of finding answers...USE YOUR DICTIONARY!! I'm glad i have a nice group of students who are ready to learn and hungry for knowledge. I am also aware of a few students who are extremely good in their proficiency and that i should be prepared to face them in class for these will be the students who will test me and my capabilities. I'm open to critiques, i'm open for discussion and i am willing to learn from you no matter what your age is... Knowledge is knowledge regardless of its origin. No ego should be involved when learning. We are not robots to know everything. 

Knowing that i have to do my proposal and thesis in order to complete my Masters programme...I sometimes wonder why did i take on a full time job. But there was an urgency to take it up. I wanted to go back to what i did best...where my heart was. But coming here, i realised that i could probably expand and make use of the maritime field for my Masters. I could develop ESP (English for Specific Purposes) "Maritime English"... *Boom* Suddenly i had all these ideas and then i looked up again and asked God, "is this why YOU put me here?" My President for one champions this idea and actually has this in his mind like a pet project and got me on board so i can help in the development of Maritime English... How great is that?
Most of the Maritime English papers or journals was written by a certain Peter Trenkner....and He happens to be our President's friend. My undying love and believe in God constantly increases... To think that He keeps me well ...Brings tears to my eyes...and much gratitude in my heart :)

Well just got back from training and thought of getting this out of my chest...What a wonderful avenue this is...Loving it... below is a picture of my lovely colleague...fellow English Lecturer... Ms Firah.. a sweetheart!!






What I Do Best :)

I mean since i love writing and all....naturally i should have started blogging....But i guess i was way too busy....these days i am even busier but i guess i learnt how to manage time well....I'm a mother, i'm a wife, i'm a lecturer, i'm a student, a daughter, a sister; does the list ever end for us woman? I always believed in woman empowerment, we can do more than we actually think we can...if we would just push ourselves.

This year seems to be good...April started of pretty well...New job for both me and hubby, started being in JB...new colleagues and new friendships...new business...Gosh! Thank you God..Your believe in me is overwhelming...You made me believe I'm all these and so much more... If anything, i'm more humbled by this opportunities opening up and all these wonderful people i'm meeting along the way.

All these people in one way or the other have touched my heart and i have come to realize that there is actually so much to learn and love about the other if only we would care to do so. Life has been more interesting with the arrival of my second child... A year and a month since she came...What a change...

I left SEGi...left my colleagues...left the comfort of my home, my space and time...Dedicated it to her and to my son. The need to have them bond...and the need to have a bonding with them both...It was all worth it at the end of the day...There are just some things you have to let go...to lose in order to gain many others. The essential thing done by people who are successful... move out of their comfort zone...Do something different, push yourself...

Well, that's that...rushing of for my meeting :) Get back in a bit!